Erotapokriseis VIII
EN:
Hellooooggg my dear readers, :) I thought I would open this small corner again for your questions. Some are personal, some are literary, some are philosophical, and some are wonderfully impossible to answer neatly. As always, thank you for reading, questioning, and making this space feel alive!
TR:
Merhaba sevgili okurlarım, Bu küçük köşeyi bir kez daha sorularınıza açmak istedim. Bazıları kişisel, bazıları edebi, bazıları felsefi, bazılarıysa düzgünce cevaplanması imkânsız olacak kadar güzel. Her zamanki gibi okuduğunuz, sorduğunuz ve burayı canlı tuttuğunuz için teşekkür ederim.
1) Q: Small question, but I’m curious: what are you writing all these essays with? Which pen, which ink?
A: Thank you so much, this is a very sweet question. I have a notebook in which I write essays like these, and the name of my notebook is: fragmenta-sképsis-metaxy :) I usually love writing with a fountain pen. But these essays, of course, I write on my computer. I don’t transfer them from the notebook to the computer; I sit down and write. Love!
These days I write in my journal with my Meisterstück, F nib, Pilot Iroshizuku Ajisai, that soft hydrangea blue, in a Rhodia notebook. Cheers!
This question came in Turkish.
2) Q: The Game of Go yazınızda 6-dan olduğunuzu söylüyorsunuz. Hiç KataGo gibi bir yapay zekâya karşı oynadınız mı? Nasıl bir his?
A: Tuhaf bir his. İnsan gibi oynamıyor. Şey gibi düşünün: insanla konuşuyorum diye düşünüyorsunuz ama telefonun karşısındaki ChatGPT :) Anlıyorsunuz yani, insan olmadığını.
3) Q: Nietzsche and the eternal recurrence: this exact life, all of it, the same losses and the same joys, lived again and again forever. Could you say yes to it?
A: Ahaaa! Hard question. :) And a hard yes!
(Amor fati, baby!) :D
This question came in Turkish.
4) Q: Faust ruhunu satıyor, sonra iki cilt boyunca her şeye sahip olup hâlâ tatmin olmuyor, hâlâ daha fazlasını istiyor. Tanıdık geldi mi? :) Siz Faust’un anlaşmasını yapar mıydınız?
A: Filiz’i kendi haline bıraksan, kesin ama kesin aynı anlaşmayı yapardı; ama işte anneannem ve bana verdiği moral compass işleri benim için çok zorlaştırıyor.
5) Q: Nikko got powdered sugar all over her at Café du Monde, I loved that. Honest question: is she a good travel companion or a tiny chaos agent?
A: Ah, Nikko is the cutest. I’m so blessed to have her. She was still a puppy back then, and she was extremely social, also a tiny attention monster :D She wanted everyone to notice her, pet her, love her, basically worship her. So yes, she was adorable, but traveling with her was chaos.
This question came in Turkish.
6) Q: New Orleans yazınız çok tatlıydı. Eve giden bileti yakıp, yerine ömür boyu hayalini kurduğunuz caz şehri. Hayattaki en güzel şeyler hep böyle, plan bozulunca mı geliyor?
A: Evet ya. Hakikaten akışına bırakmak lazım bazen. Çok mu dertleniyoruz acaba..
7) Q: Your Hard Problem of Consciousness essay says the brain isn’t enough to explain experience. Does that gap comfort you or unsettle you?
A: I’m comfortable with uncertainty. I’m comfortable with scientific facts. They’re not there to comfort or discomfort me. The gap is just a gap; my job is not to be soothed by it, but to look at it honestly.
This question came in Turkish.
8) Q: Sartre “özgürlüğe mahkûmuz” diyor. Kötü bir günde bu özgürlük size bir armağan gibi mi geliyor, yoksa bir ceza gibi mi?
A: Özgürlük ceza ya! Kendi hayatını sırtlamak dehşet büyük bir sorumluluk. Çok yorucu. Keşke bir map olsa, ya da birisi benim yerime yaşasa. Rusya’da serflik kalktığında çoğu kişi efendisini bırakıp gitmemiş. Bunu ilk okuduğumda çok rahatsız olmuştum. Ama şu an anlıyorum. Öyle.
9) Q: When are you happiest?
A: One day I’ll come back to this question and really answer it. I’ve been fighting hypothyroidism for a long time now. Every period I lose an incredible amount of blood, and I’m severely anemic. I can’t think the way I used to. I’m not sharp. My hormones are completely upside down. I don’t even have the energy to be happy. The anemia keeps me from sleeping, my body never gets to rest. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. Happiness seems to get shorter as you get older. I’m so tired. This turned into venting, I know. I’m very sick right now. But believe me, I’m someone who finds happiness in small things. A tiny kawaii stationery item. A pen that writes beautifully. My dog curling up closer to me at night. Someone I love holding me tightly, and knowing that in that moment I can finally put down the mask of being strong. I haven’t answered your question, but I hope one day I will. Tired, sleepless, anemic, and brain-fogged. With much love.
10) Q: How do you deal with failure?
A: I allow myself to fail! This may sound simple, but it took me a long time to learn. I do not owe anyone constant success. I do not owe anyone a perfect version of myself. I do not owe the world a life without mistakes. Failure hurts, of course. I am not pretending that I am always graceful about it. I am human, after all. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I get angry with myself, sometimes I feel ashamed. Sometimes it really does feel as if everything is over, as if one mistake has swallowed the whole future. But after a while, I try to return to the work itself. I ask what can be learned, what can be repaired, and what must simply be endured. I think failure becomes unbearable only when we turn it into identity. Failing at something does not mean I am a failure. It only means I tried something difficult, and this time it did not work. So I let myself fail. I let it hurt. And then I continue. Quietly, stubbornly, without making a tragedy out of being human.
11) Q: What does a typical Sunday morning look like for you?
A: I try to get out of the house as fast as I can, otherwise I just rot at home. If I’m on my own, I grab my book and head straight to Starbucks, bagel and coffee, and start the day quickly. If I’m with people, on Sundays I prefer going to Eggsellent Cafe (I lived in Carrollton for 4 years and this cafe was near my home, now I moved to Plano but still go there for breakfast!) for a nice breakfast, and sometimes I go with my Turkish friends to places where we can have a proper Turkish breakfast. The point is just to get out of the house. Then I come home and pick up my day where I left off. But if I don’t leave the house, Sunday usually goes by empty for me, and I really don’t like that.
12) Q: Bir insanda zekâ mı, nezaket mi, mizah mı daha tehlikeli biçimde etkileyici?
A: Hiçbiri! Cevap: Merhamet.
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