Erotapokriseis IV
EN:
Dear readers, Your emails have been one of the quiet joys of writing here. I cannot always answer everything at once, but I do read them with care. Today, I wanted to bring a few of your questions into this space and answer them in the open. Thank you so much! :)
TR:
Sevgili okurlarım, Burada yazmanın en sessiz ama en güzel taraflarından biri, sizden gelen e-postalar. Her şeye hemen cevap veremiyorum, ama hepsini özenle okuyorum. Bugün bazı sorularınızı buraya taşımak ve açıkça yanıtlamak istedim. Benimle birlikte düşündüğünüz için teşekkür ederim!
1) Q: You’ve now written two essays on how America exiles its thinkers and buys them back with Europe’s approval, The Country That Ate Its Own Geniuses and Why American Intellectuals Are Invisible. You left İzmir to go there. Be honest: are you writing about America, or about a fear for yourself?
A: :) Hehehhe. :). Not enough, heheheheheheheheh :)
P.S. I gave him the long answer in the email without hehehehes :)
2) Q: You admit Epictetus makes you “feel personally attacked” (Epictetus): the test of philosophy isn’t what you can say but what you can bear. By that test, honestly, how are you doing?
A: Terribly! But at least I know it now. :)
This question came in Turkish.
3) Q: The Country That Ate Its Own Geniuses yazınızda Poe, Melville, Dickinson, Ives, hepsi ancak öldükten sonra anlaşıldı. Açık konuşalım: bir yazar olsaydınız sizi anlaşılmamak mı daha çok korkuturdu, yoksa çok geç anlaşılmak mı?
A: İkisi de değil. Beni korkutan, anlaşılmak için yazmaya başladığım gün olurdu.
Ayrıca, Poe geç anlaşıldı ama hiç eğilmeden yazdı; korkulacak şey eğilmek, geç kalmak değil. Çok sevgiler!
4) Q: What quality do you value most in people?
A: Maturity and humility.
I like grounded people. Substantial people. People who have a certain weight to them, not in a performative way, but in the way they carry themselves. People often say that communication is the most important thing: open communication, honesty, saying things clearly. And yes, of course, all of that matters. But I think two people can only really meet each other if they have a similar level of maturity. If you are not standing on the same emotional ground, even honesty becomes difficult. Open communication does not save you. Good intentions get wasted. If you asked me what the people I love and value most have in common, I would probably say this: they are mature in a similar way. They know how to listen. They know when to speak. They do not turn every disagreement into a wound or every silence into an insult. There is a steadiness in them that makes life easier.
The other thing is humility. We all come from different backgrounds, different families, different chances, different kinds of luck. The things we have in life should not be sold as personal virtues. They should be things we are grateful for. The moment someone starts performing their money, their car, their degree, their title, I lose interest. I do not need to know that person further. They still have a long way to go in life. I like people who are humble, who know how to sit among people, how to speak with respect, how not to make themselves the center of every room. The funny thing is, my own humility is often misunderstood. People sometimes read my warmth as romantic interest, or they mistake my gentleness for weakness. Some men, especially, think that because I am kind and warm, I must be in love with them. Others think they can underestimate me. But hell no, cicimmm :). That is my quality. It has nothing to do with you.
5) Q: What quality of yours are you most proud of?
A: This is a beautiful question. I will try to answer it without sounding arrogant.
I think the quality I am most proud of is my self-respect, and the fact that it remains intact no matter who is in front of me, what I feel, or how much I care. For example, I can love someone deeply. I can be willing to do almost anything for the people I love. I am not afraid of effort, loyalty, or sacrifice. But my self-respect is non-negotiable. That is the line.
I know this may sound like a cliché, because everyone likes to think they have self-respect. But for me, self-respect is not something I talk about only when life is easy. It is something that has to work when I am hurt, attached, tempted, or heartbroken.
If I part ways with a friend/partner, for example, I do not stalk them. I do not keep looking back. I do not say this because I never feel the desire to look. Of course I do. I am human! But I know how to stop myself. I may feel the impulse, but I do not obey every impulse. My will is stronger than my curiosity, my longing, and sometimes even my sadness. I have a very strong will. Very strong!
6) Q: What tiny etiquette rule matters a lot to you?
A: I will answer this one as a woman.
I care a lot about whether someone knows how to behave in the presence of a woman. How they sit, how they speak, how much space they take, how they use their hands, whether they make lazy sexist comments or assumptions about her background — these things matter to me. For example, stretching your legs toward a woman, sitting across from her with your legs spread open, flossing your teeth in front of her, or speaking to her with a kind of careless familiarity is not charming. I am not your mother or your sister. The fact that we work in the same place, study at the same school, or belong to the same interest group does not exempt you from basic manners.
I also find it deeply unattractive when men assume that every woman will automatically be impressed by their education, money, title, or status. That kind of confidence does not look powerful to me. It looks a little pathetic. Not in an old-fashioned, performative way. I do not need theater. I just appreciate basic grace, respect, and composure.
7) Q: What do people usually assume about you that is wrong?
A: People usually assume that I am very serious and difficult to approach.
I think I may look a little intimidating from the outside, especially when I am quiet or focused. But once people get to know me, they usually realize that I am much warmer, funnier, and more playful than they expected. I have heard some version of “Oh, you are actually so much fun” many times. :)
8) Q: Does knowledge make a person better, or only more alone?
A: Knowledge only makes a person informed! That is all!
It does not automatically make you kinder, wiser, humbler, or more decent. It only gives you information. What you do with that information is a matter of character.
9) Q: What is your faith?
A: This is a private question, and I do not think the answer really matters that much. Perhaps the better question is whether I believe in God or not. Yes, I believe in God. Whether the God I believe in is exactly the same God everyone else has in mind, I am not entirely sure. But perhaps that is true for most of us. With love. :)
10) Q: If you could fight with one historical figure, who would it be?
A: Kant.
I’m still not entirely over the fact that he shut every door to God, the soul, and metaphysics, only to sneak them back in through morality.
And by “fight,” I don’t mean shouting. I mean a long, serious, unnecessarily passionate argument at a table somewhere.
(I should add that I am not really a fight person. I did not grow up in a loud or combative home; I was raised by my grandmother in a very safe, quiet, and peaceful one. Raised voices, slammed doors, and dramatic arguments are simply not my language. I believe almost anything can be resolved by talking, and if it cannot, I would rather leave than become part of the noise.)
11) Q: What are you a little elitist about?
A: Taste. Not expensive taste, not brand-name taste. I mean the ability to recognize when something has soul. A sentence, a room, a pen, a book, a conversation, even a silence. I am a little elitist about things that are not merely impressive, but alive.
&
Books. Not in the sense of judging people by how much they read. I do not think reading automatically makes someone deep or interesting. But I do become a little suspicious when someone says they read, and then I look at what they read and think, perhaps cruelly, that they might have been better off not reading at all.
What I care about is not the performance of reading, but whether a person has a private life with ideas: a book, a question, an obsession, some little corner of the mind where they go to be alone!
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